nothing is permanent, not even the name of my newsletter

...thank g*d...

What could possibly be more humiliating than launching a substack? Announcing the “rebrand” of your substack!

I’ve changed the name of my publication and it would be weird not to acknowledge that, right? I’m calling it “Light Disorder” because someone recently referred to my essays as “light takes on disordered behavior” and that felt… true. Rest assured, I will always be 4 the Drama, spiritually.

I made this on Canva! I love Canva!

I started this substack over two years ago in August of 2023 and a lot has changed for me since then. A lot seems to change for me constantly, and I’m not sure if that’s just the nature of life or if it’s the nature of my specific personality. Perhaps my relentless metamorphoses are symptomatic of the several “disorders” I’ve been diagnosed with over the years (eating disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, substance use disorder, panic disorder, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, etc.) “Obnoxious, repellent behavior” could be considered a symptom of every one of these conditions, and so when I tell you I’m “recovered”, or “sober now”, or “trying exposure therapy” or “on a new SSRI”, what I’m really saying is “Um no. Whomever I was when you last saw or thought about me is no longer me. I’m the new Devin.”

I DO NOT regret starting this substack when I did, but this fall I enrolled in my first real writing class (ever) and I’m learning that I have a lot to learn?!?

Of course I wish I’d done this whole thing differently now, but I do trust that whatever I purged here in the past two years served a purpose.

On day one of my writing class our teacher commented on the importance of “time”. She advised allowing “time” to pass before writing about a breakup, for example, to avoid taking on a bitter, angry tone. Okay why didn’t anyone tell me that sooner?!?

I am whole-heartedly committed to writing honestly about my feelings and experiences, because I don’t really know another way to write and because I’ve come to rely on the honest, vulnerable writing of others to help me make sense of my pain. But I’m beginning to understand the point in putting space between feeling and publication.

In the span of May 2022 to May 2023, I experienced three breakups with two different people and then arrived at the traffic-cone-orange gates of substack brimming with material of the “why are men?!?!?” variety. Now, two years later, I’ve realized there’s more freedom to be mined from the question “why was I?!?!??” Why did I enter into these relationships, why did I stay, why did I end them and then restart them again and then end them again and post seven million pointed quotes and transparent thirst traps on instagram in between?

I wish I’d done a little more unpacking before I took my resentments to public text, and though I will never stop writing about my relationships and breakups, I am now much more conscious of the urge to justify my own resentments under the guise of “female rage”.

So anyway, that was the old me. And this is the new me. For now.

On the topic of updates, here are some photos to commemorate my summer as we are now well into the depths of my favorite season (fall):

In June my bf and I drove to the North Fork in Long Island to pick up a faux fur chaise lounge we bought on Auction Ninja for $1

for months we’ve been settling into/trying to decorate the apartment we moved into in the spring. Feel the need to ask you to ignore the roll of toilet paper on the table, but how could you? Anyway we’re cute.

Also in June! I left my airpods at a friend’s house. She knew I was having a hard time so she Uber Messengered them back to me with this little note.

In July I went to a museum willingly for the first time in almost a decade. How cute is this nod to my bland homeland (Connecticut) in the Thorne Miniature Rooms exhibit at the Art Institute of Chicago???

me being cozy and cute in Chicago

August - filmed a short that I wrote which was the best and scariest and most intense experience of my career to date!

me writing with Cookie my cat who is perfect

Randomly got to end the summer in Seattle meeting my friend’s baby (not pictured) but this coffee was freakin’ incredible

That’s all for now! Hope you’ll continue reading (perhaps even liking, sharing, upgrading your subscription to) this newsletter with its new title! LIGHT DISORDER!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo